Well, today is the last day of my first Christmas break as a college student (still blows my mind so I have to keep saying it to make myself believe it). Over the past month, I've had the opportunity to do a lot of thinking, reading, and tv-watching. I've discovered that this year of my life has been FILLED with constant transition. I became an adult, graduated from high school, was involved in my first "serious" relationship, moved, and started college. Wow...that's a lot. Throughout all of these changes, I admit to relying on God for about....eh 30% of it. And by that I mean that I was confident that I was in the driver's seat and He was just a passenger. I had super great friends and family and I was going to be fine. I had that way wrong.
A few months after graduation, I realized how ridiculously futile everything was that I had held to such high esteem. My clothes didn't matter, homework assignments really ended up meaning nothing more than a letter, and my friendships were extremely shallow. I'm not saying these years aren't important or that I wasted time; I simply mean that high school is not as big of a deal as I thought.
Relationships, though, are a huge deal. Sure, I have friendships that do not revolve around Christ, but it's a whole new ball game when you are in a dating relationship not centered on the Word. I've blogged about it so many times because it's easy to blame the other person, and it's temporary relief to just throw down all this blame and not have to admit to my own wrongs. I've read a few things over break that have made me really do some introspective work about this; if there was a way for me to require all girls to read "Boundaries in Dating" and "Lady in Waiting", believe me, I would enforce that sucker ASAP. I've come to learn that my hesitation to let God rule my life is the cause of all this strife; I haven't allowed God to bring me to who he wants me to be with yet (no, I don't want to find this person right now, don't freak out). I now have all these issues with relationships because of my own flaws, but the good news is that all of these issues can be healed in time. I am trying to learn how to be patient and content but to also remain convicted. I'm on my way to figuring out what I want in whoever I end up with; who knew that would happen before I turned 100?!
I am so lucky to go to a school that supports this mindset. However, I'm learning that my motives for choosing Anderson University really revolved around laziness and taking the easy road. I know previous students and upperclassmen, so that was comforting. It's not far from home, so that was comforting. It's a Jesus school so I won't have to do much work on my own, so that was comforting. ICK! I NEVER WANT TO HAVE THAT MINDSET AGAIN! This semester I've felt so far from God, and I still struggle with recognizing and owning that as my own fault instead of my environment's. There is so much potential to serve God at AU, and this semester I'm determined to really take advantage of these opportunities because I genuinely want to- not because I am required or my friends are doing it.
I feel like these are all things I've talked about until I'm blue in the face, but they are the hard subjects that I have to keep mulling over so that I can process them. Missed you, dear blog!
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