life as of 1/24

Everything is moving twenty times faster than it was last month. This weekend was especially CRAZY.
Friday, I thought I had to babysit. So I didn't make any plans, but after I realized I didn't I was really mad at myself for not over-scheduling like normal this time around. But it was for the best. I made yummy muffins and watched Say Yes to the Dress for a long time and then went to bed proptly at ten.
Saturday, I had to take the SAT! ugh. I woke up at six, took a shower, picked up a friend, drank two sips of Starbucks and had weird confrontations, drove to school, took the FIVE HOUR LONG TEST with more Asians than live in Indiana, went to Qdoba for lunch with two friends, drove them home, came home, took a ten minute nap and ate some lunch, saw Avatar 3D with two different friends, drove home, ate some dinner, and babysat some lovely little ladies, then came home and slept.
This morning, I woke up too late to make it to church so I decided to write my impossible history paper. It took six hours for me to have more than three sentences; can you say frustration!? But, I finished, and I am more proud of it than I thought I would be.

In the bigger picture though, I've been realizing how off my game I've been the past year (literally 365 days this Friday). Most of you know why, but otherwise that's not a blog-worthy topic. But for real. I don't go to church, sometimes just because I don't wanna because I don't care. That's awful to say and I'm already anticipating the comments/messages I'll get from this, but I don't. I've always been a do-it-myselfer. Which stems from my need to be attached to someone who thinks as highly of me as I do them. And this has never happened. I'm not talking like boyfriend type business, I mean a genuine friend. I've never had a best friend. Is that weird? It makes me sad that I genuinely can't call anybody that, because I always either feel second best (usually the case) or get frusterated with that person so I just cut myself off. I have read/heard that God feels this way about me, but I just doubt my butt off. I can't discipline myself enough to be focused and half the time even awknowledge his presence. This is a rant. But I'm saying that I am lost and I feel like somebody just snipped the wire that was connecting me to Him. I don't know how to pray, never have, and that's so ANNOYING! I just want answers, pretty, simple, nice answers. And they don't exist.
phew. lots o typing.
However, I am in love with the idea of being in love with God. I know I am, and was, and always will be, but right now is a plateou and it sure doesn't seem like it. Bear with me (who came up with that saying??).
I wish I could go to youth group.

on a new note! I have money now, which means I can do things. ha. the goal is to have at least $300 always but then I can spend the rest. I'm sponsering a kiddo from compassion for sure and I was thinking about getting a gym membership/taking a pilates class just because I think its funny and I want to do it! There are obviously a lot of material things I want too, but those are just going to have to be on the back burner.
I still have no idea what I want to do with my life in terms of jobs. But, I still think being an editor or some sort of director/film person would be off the chain. I just want to travel, but I want a family with a white-picket fence. The thing is, though, that I need to do drastic things and see drastic things to be the person I want to be. i haven't figured out how all this will coincide yet, but it will.
I like Anderson, I'm visiting there this Saturday. I know people and it's Christian and its pretty and as much as I hate to admit it, I may just like being close to home. We'll see.
I wish my youth group was going to Bigstuf. It just breaks my little heart. but obviously no leaders want us there and the big guy hasn't exactly made that loud and clear either. I am not going to CIY again. That place made me not want to be a Christian because I was so embarressed at how I felt like they represented the Word and the Love of Jesus. I will not pay money to hear that again. I tried to think of a comprimise but nobody went for it, well leaders anyway. So, I guess no church camp this summer. That's weird, and I feel like that is only adding to this weird phase I'm in. Oh well. I was listening to my cd's from past Bigstuf's and they still stick out and are relevant right this second.
Listen and learn, go further faster.
Direction, not intention, determines destination.

Just think about it kitties.